The Universe is a Simulation OR The Creator is a Gamer

A guy was at his computer and started up Conway’s game of life. Since this was the newest, latest model of your favorite computer workstation the simulation creatures became sentient.

They discovered they are made of cells.

They said, “Look, THE INFINITESIMAL CELL is always created from NOTHING. If things happens FROM NOTHING, there is NO NEED FOR A CREATOR, so THERE IS NO CREATOR, and besides NOBODY ever witnessed something different THAN THE DETERMINISTIC APPLICATION OF RULES. How smart are we?”

So the guy at the PC said to himself, “Thank you for nothing, guys” and went making himself some coffee.

But before he left, he sent the computer a “restart ALL services” command from the Root Prompt.

And it was DONE.

No one believes Obama because

He …

A. is a lying liar who lies.

B. hasn’t told the truth yet about anything regarding Obamacare.

C. says whatever is most politically convenient to him in the moment.

D. does not understand math, insurance, or Americans.

E. all of the above

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Self Improvement Advice from the Devil

1 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

2 – Half the people you know are below average.

3 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

4 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

6 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

8 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

9 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

10 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

11 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

12 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

13 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

14 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

15 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

17 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

18 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

19 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Some laws to live by

Precepts, Conundrum, etc.

Ending with a blog title with a preposition is murphed up

  • Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment – Ducharme’s Precept
  • An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true – Cardinal Conundrum
  • 98% of all statistics are made up – 1st Rule of Applied Mathematics
  • Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of – Allen’s Law
  • If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods – Williams and Holland’s Law
  • Delay is the deadliest form of denial – Parkinson’s Law of Delay
  • What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away – Green’s Contract Rule
  • A negotiation shall be considered successful if all parties walk away feeling screwed – Lucas’s Law of Negotiation
  • Teamwork is wasting half of one’s time explaining to others why they are wrong – Wolinski’s Law
  • Only a mediocre person is always at his best – Maugham’s Rule
  • Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them
    – Edelstein’s Advice
  • The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong – Holten’s Homily
  • Nostalgia is the realization that things weren’t as unbearable as they seemed at the time – Grimes’s Law
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation-as you grow older, it starts to avoid you – Russell’s Rule
  • Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten the problems – Peterson’s Principle
  • It’s difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys – Langsam’s Ornithological Axiom
  • Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones – Cannon’s Canon
  • The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth – Bohr’s Axiom
  • Two things a man cannot hide: that he is drunk, and that he is in love – Antiphanes’ Axiom
  • No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid – Maury’s Law
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever – Anderson’s Axiom
  • Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure – Farmer’s Credo
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. – Osburn’s Axiom
  • An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it – Storman’s Law
  • The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers – Harris’s Warning
  • Nothing exists except atoms and empty space. Everything else is opinion – Democritus’s Principle
  • The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency – McCarthy’s Maxim
  • Virtue is its own punishment – Denniston’s Law
  • The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because its so shallow – Unknown
  • I may be lying in the gutter, but I’m staring at the stars – Oscar Wilde
  • Lost time is never found – Benjamin Franklin from Poor Richard’s Almanac
  • I should be groaning over the sins I have commited, but I can only sigh for what I have lost – Heloise [a nun from the Middle Ages]
  • Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely – Bette-Jane Raphael
  • Praying is like a rocking chair – it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere – Gypsy Rose Lee
  • I think we can agree racial prejudice is stupid. Because if you spend time with someone from another race and really get to know them, you can find other reasons to hate them – Bernadette Luckett
  • I smile because i have no idea what’s going on – Unknown