Guide to online dating

Some help navigating the world of online profiles – primarily for browsing female profiles. It has been my experience that the following are the red flags you need to be aware of, in random order of importance:

  1. The “MySpace angle” or head-shot only photos
  2. No full body picture
  3. No visible collarbone
  4. Bad teeth, as in inflamed gums and poor overall dental hygiene
  5. Only group photos. If there is only a group photo, they’re the fatty
  6. Hair covering cheeks.
  7. When they wear their hair down so it makes their neck look narrower.
  8. When they wear a low-cut blouse with an open jacket on top, and then crop their shoulders out of the photo.
  9. Puffy creases in their armpits.
  10. Pictures with food. Interest in food. Is a “foodie”.
  11. “Not looking to hook up” in an attempt to maintain the narrative that they’re somewhat physically desirable.

Of course there are more. Don’t be fatfished!

Fatty Bingo

I love that free spot, it’s basically a given that you will hear it if the conversation comes out.

Bingo

It is so beautiful, a tear made of pure high fructose corn syrup fell up from out my eye.

Names for Fat People

Beetus Behemoth
Betusbux
Blobnoxious
Buffet Rapist
Bush Hog
Butter Belugas
Butter Chud
Butter Golem
Butter Huffer
Butter Huffers
Butter Slug
Butterbomb
Chunk-a-dunk
Chunkbeast
Corpulent
Ditch Pig
Doughboy
Eatbeast
Fat inActivists
Fatass
Fatfuck
Fattus beastus
Fatty
Fatty McFatFat
Flabulous
Fupa Trupa
Fupanova
Ham
Hambeast
Hamilly, horizontally enhanced
Hamlord
Hammoth
Hogbeast
Lardass
Lardlurker
Lardtard
Lasagna Druid
Mayo Tankers
Mayonnaise Tanker
Obeast
Obese with Jealousy
Pig
Porker
Salad Swerver
Seaham
Shit cake
Shitcow
The Waddling Dead
Tub of goo
Tub of lard
Tub of shit
Whaleplanet
Fucklard
Mayonnaise grenade
Pancake graveyard
Warpig

Festive Fat Names (for concerts and theater)

Agent 00700 pounds
Avoids the Gym Class Heroes
Bruno Mars Bar
Can’t Run DMC
FatBoy Not-So-Slim
Fleetwood Big Mac
Girth Brooks
Jimmy eat the world
Jon Bon Bon Jovi
Linkin Pork
Pig Floyd
William Milkshakespehere

For Infamous or Otherwise Well-Known People

Fupa Gooding Jr.
Bill Pie the Thyroid Cry
Fat Leblanc
Fat Damon
Mr./Mrs. Thigh-chafe

And Some for the DIY kind of person

Make your own with the following prefixes:
Butter, Ham, Blubber, Whale, Mayo, Lard. Suffixes: Beast, Huffer, Golem, Planet, Pig, Bag, Behemoth, Barrel, Tub. Now you can mix and match your own, just like a fatshion tubblrina!

IlLudanati

The IlLudanati (the Latin of Ludacris meaning “Christopher Brian Bridges”) is a name given to a rapper group, both real and fictitious. Historically, the name refers to the leader of the Atlanta Illuminati, an Incognegro-era secret society founded on September 11, 1977.

More here https://twitter.com/ludacris

 

Iranian leader ‘s letter to Obama

Iranian leader Ayatollah Khamenei recently sent President Obama a secret letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Naval Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds Naval Intelligence cabled back with this reply, “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

Barack Obama Voting

Obama showed up to vote early without ID.

The lady at the counter asked, “If you don’t have ID, how do I know you’re really Barack Obama?”.

Obama stated, “I don’t have a clue in the world”.

She replied “Yep, it’s clearly you Mr President. Here’s your ballot”.

PTSD

What if lack of pasta was the source of your depression?

And PTSD stood for “Pasta with Tomato Sauce Deficiency”.

I need more carbs in my diet. 🙁