Some help navigating the world of online profiles – primarily for browsing female profiles. It has been my experience that the following are the red flags you need to be aware of, in random order of importance:
The “MySpace angle” or head-shot only photos
No full body picture
No visible collarbone
Bad teeth, as in inflamed gums and poor overall dental hygiene
Only group photos. If there is only a group photo, they’re the fatty
Hair covering cheeks.
When they wear their hair down so it makes their neck look narrower.
When they wear a low-cut blouse with an open jacket on top, and then crop their shoulders out of the photo.
Puffy creases in their armpits.
Pictures with food. Interest in food. Is a “foodie”.
“Not looking to hook up” in an attempt to maintain the narrative that they’re somewhat physically desirable.
Hamilly, horizontally enhanced
Obese with Jealousy
The Waddling Dead
Tub of goo
Tub of lard
Tub of shit
Festive Fat Names (for concerts and theater)
Agent 00700 pounds
Avoids the Gym Class Heroes
Bruno Mars Bar
Can’t Run DMC
Fleetwood Big Mac
Jimmy eat the world
Jon Bon Bon Jovi
For Infamous or Otherwise Well-Known People
Fupa Gooding Jr.
Bill Pie the Thyroid Cry
And Some for the DIY kind of person
Make your own with the following prefixes:
Butter, Ham, Blubber, Whale, Mayo, Lard. Suffixes: Beast, Huffer, Golem, Planet, Pig, Bag, Behemoth, Barrel, Tub. Now you can mix and match your own, just like a fatshion tubblrina!
The IlLudanati (the Latin of Ludacris meaning “Christopher Brian Bridges”) is a name given to a rapper group, both real and fictitious. Historically, the name refers to the leader of the Atlanta Illuminati, an Incognegro-era secret society founded on September 11, 1977.
Iranian leader Ayatollah Khamenei recently sent President Obama a secret letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Naval Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds Naval Intelligence cabled back with this reply, “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”