Self Improvement Advice from the Devil

1 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

2 – Half the people you know are below average.

3 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

4 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

6 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

8 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

9 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

10 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

11 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

12 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

13 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

14 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

15 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

17 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

18 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

19 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Eight Rules of Things Going Wrong

What can possibly go wrong?

  1. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious.
  2. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
  3. If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
  4. If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
  5. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
  6. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Some laws to live by

Precepts, Conundrum, etc.

Ending with a blog title with a preposition is murphed up

  • Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment – Ducharme’s Precept
  • An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true – Cardinal Conundrum
  • 98% of all statistics are made up – 1st Rule of Applied Mathematics
  • Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of – Allen’s Law
  • If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods – Williams and Holland’s Law
  • Delay is the deadliest form of denial – Parkinson’s Law of Delay
  • What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away – Green’s Contract Rule
  • A negotiation shall be considered successful if all parties walk away feeling screwed – Lucas’s Law of Negotiation
  • Teamwork is wasting half of one’s time explaining to others why they are wrong – Wolinski’s Law
  • Only a mediocre person is always at his best – Maugham’s Rule
  • Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them
    – Edelstein’s Advice
  • The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong – Holten’s Homily
  • Nostalgia is the realization that things weren’t as unbearable as they seemed at the time – Grimes’s Law
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation-as you grow older, it starts to avoid you – Russell’s Rule
  • Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten the problems – Peterson’s Principle
  • It’s difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys – Langsam’s Ornithological Axiom
  • Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones – Cannon’s Canon
  • The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth – Bohr’s Axiom
  • Two things a man cannot hide: that he is drunk, and that he is in love – Antiphanes’ Axiom
  • No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid – Maury’s Law
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever – Anderson’s Axiom
  • Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure – Farmer’s Credo
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. – Osburn’s Axiom
  • An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it – Storman’s Law
  • The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers – Harris’s Warning
  • Nothing exists except atoms and empty space. Everything else is opinion – Democritus’s Principle
  • The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency – McCarthy’s Maxim
  • Virtue is its own punishment – Denniston’s Law
  • The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because its so shallow – Unknown
  • I may be lying in the gutter, but I’m staring at the stars – Oscar Wilde
  • Lost time is never found – Benjamin Franklin from Poor Richard’s Almanac
  • I should be groaning over the sins I have commited, but I can only sigh for what I have lost – Heloise [a nun from the Middle Ages]
  • Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely – Bette-Jane Raphael
  • Praying is like a rocking chair – it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere – Gypsy Rose Lee
  • I think we can agree racial prejudice is stupid. Because if you spend time with someone from another race and really get to know them, you can find other reasons to hate them – Bernadette Luckett
  • I smile because i have no idea what’s going on – Unknown

Some laws to live by

Laws and Rules

First, do not end sentences in a preposition often.

  • If anything can go wrong, it will – Murphy’s Law
  • One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory – Brown’s Rule
  • If you don’t need it and don’t want it, there is always plenty of it – Murphy’s Law of Supply
  • In America, it’s not how much an item costs, it’s how much you save – Paulg’s Law
  • Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say – Murray’s Law
  • Marriage teaches you loyality, forbearance, selfrestraint, meekness, and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single – Townsend’s Law
  • It doesn’t matter if you win or lose… until you lose – O.J.’s Law
  • Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups – Wethern’s Law of Suspended Judgment
  • There are no answers, only cross-references – Weiner’s Law of Libraries
  • To err is human, but to really f*ck things up requires a computer – Law of Unreliability
  • Once you give up integrity, the rest is easy – Evan’s Law
  • Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other – Ameringer’s Axiom
  • When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong – the 5th Rule of Politics
  • No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right – Scott’s First Law
  • Murphy’s Law always hits at the worst time – Lanning’s Law
  • Things get worse under pressure – Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics
  • Sometimes it takes several years to recognize the obvious – Sy’s Law of Science
  • If you are in a hole, stop digging – 1st Rule of Excavation
  • There is no issue so small that it can’t be blown out of proportion – Ruckert’s Law
  • The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy – Weatherwax’s Postulate
  • The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you – Cafeteria Law
  • Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent – Jose’s Axiom
  • Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary – Corollary
  • Free time that unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted – Sandiland’s Law
  • The one who does the least work will get the most credit – Shapiro’s Law of Reward
  • No matter how often a lie is shown to be false, there will remain a percentage of people who believe it to be true – Law of the Lie
  • The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made – Glyme’s Formula for Success
  • Never replicate a successful experiment – Fett’s Law of the Lab
  • Accuracy is the sum total of your compensating mistakes – Wingfield’s Axiom
  • As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else – Law of Living
  • There’s no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do – Hecht’s Law
  • Whichever way you turn upon entering an elevator, the buttons will be on the opposite side – Gluck’s Law
  • If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will – Kovaleski’s Dictum
  • If you don’t do anything, you can’t do anything wrong – Cameron’s Law
  • It is impossible for anyone to learn that which he thinks he already knows – Plutarch’s Rule
  • The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people – Chesterton
  • A little inaccuracy can save a lot of explanation – Munroe’s Teaching Principle
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive – Grandpa Charnock’s Law
  • Man is always ready to die for an idea, provided that the idea is not quite clear to him – Eldridge’s Law of War
  • If you don’t care where you are, you’re not lost – Rune’s Rule of the Road
  • The probability of someone’s asking irrelevant questions requiring lengthy responses increases in direct proportion to how tired you are of the meeting. – Bowlby’s Law